Dear Mr. Bush

Jesus' General writes Mr. Perzdint:

...As you know, one of the greatest threats America faces is the deterioration of our commitment to traditional family values. It's every bit as great a threat to our national security as the distribution of Mao's Little Red Book to college students. We need to oppose it with every means at our disposal.

My neighborhood is currently under assault by those who are trying to undermine our nation by attacking our traditional family values. I hope we can use your new extra-legal power to provide us with cover as we do what must be done to defend our community.

You see, Mr Garcia, the neighbor across the street, often stands in front of his large picture window wearing nothing but a pair of extremely tight bicycling shorts. Nothing is left to the imagination. His unnaturally large manly bulge of glory draws every eye in the neighborhood, tempting its beholders with demonic invitations to engage in acts of unspeakable depravity.

We've tried everything we can think of to put an end to it. Even my wife, Ofjoshua, spends much of her day over there unsuccessfully trying to convince Mr. Garcia to end this practice. Nothing's worked.

It's time to take it up a level by beating Mr. Garcia and burning down his house. I'm hoping that we can get your support to do so. Inasmuch as you are not bound by any constitutional or legal restraints, you could grant us the authority to commit this assault and arson on your behalf in the name of national security.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot