Method

President Bush plans to issue a new national security strategy today reaffirming his doctrine of preemptive war against terrorists and hostile states with chemical, biological or nuclear weapons, despite the troubled experience in Iraq.

The long-overdue document, an articulation of U.S. strategic priorities that is required by law, lays out a robust view of America's power and an assertive view of its responsibility to bring change around the world. On topics including genocide, human trafficking and AIDS, the strategy describes itself as "idealistic about goals and realistic about means."

"Idealistic about goals and realistic about means." Repeat that over and over. Try this in order to test the principle: run at the wall head first without the use of a helmet, singing, karaoke-style "idealistic about goals and realistic about means" to the tune of "The Sound of Music." Repeat, if you're still conscious. If you are still conscious, slap yourself in the face several times. Not like that, you French sissy. Like, really really hard. See if you can knock yourself on the floor. Pull your hair and yank your head against the formica kitchen countertop. Once you're finally on the floor, blood spewing, take a full bottle of tequila, open your mouth and drain the bottle in large gulps. Stand up again. Use a support if needed. Take off your work shoes. Run head first at the wall again without a helmet. If still conscious, go outside. Get in your car. Put the car in reverse and gun the motor. Don't buckle the seatbelt. Release the clutch - pop it for extra effect. Drive backwards as fast and aimlessly as possible. Ignore whatever you hit. Do not call 911. Get out of the car, if still conscious.

Look serious. Now, this is serious. Stand up straight. Do not giggle. Tell the neighbors gathered around with horrified expressions on their faces that you're fine. You're simply preventing others from making you hit your head against the wall, drink a full bottle of tequila, and drive your car in reverse through their lawns and into their living rooms. It's realistic because you have empirical evidence of its occurrence. Do not wobble. It's idealistic because terrorists didn't make you do any of this. Announce to the neighbors that you shall now reenact the same procedure in the name of neighborhood security in order to ensure your position of authority. Imprison recalcitrant neighbors. Go inside. Exercise.