Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Just do folksy

Yeah, Ken Lay did his outrage-'n-indignation shuffle today. You know, they offer courses on O-'n-I in law school now. Betrayed by his inferiors, his modest genius suffered at the hands of avaricious Jews from the coasts who snake-oiled Ken Lay himself, humble sheep herder, into deeds which offend his simple moral values and humble piety. There's nothing like our monthly dose of "folksy."
With a folksy preacher style that alternated between country charm and righteous indignation, Kenneth L. Lay, Enron's former chief executive, took the stand on Monday to argue that he had nothing to do with the crimes that helped cause the collapse of the company he founded...

Speaking slowly and occasionally stabbing the air with his right hand, he portrayed himself as a pious family man with humble heartland origins.

"I am very, very anxious and trying to do all that I can to get the truth out about Enron," he said.

Mr. Lay told the jury he was proud of the wealth he enjoyed after building Enron into what appeared at the time to be one of the nation's most successful companies, adding that he used some of that money to assist his 5 children, 12 grandchildren, and 96-year-old father-in-law...

"There is absolutely nothing in my life," he said, "that comes close to the same level of pain and the same enduring pain."

UPDATE (12:21pm):

Today it's "the media."

I haven't worked out the entire procedure yet, but here are some steps along the way.

1) If forced to resign, you are actually "looking forward to spending more time with the family." Refer to your family on every possible occasion throughout the remaining steps.
2) Go folksy and populist. You're trying to sway public opinion and nothing does that like tapping into Americans' admiration for a folksiness that harks back to the "good old times."
3) Attack the media for misrepresenting your views and deeds. This allows you to recharacterize and redescribe the events and views in question. The media is over-sensitive to accusations of bias and misrepresentation. They will adjust with a series of articles on your folksiness and your good will.
4) Continue to deny that you have done anything wrong. If forced to admit a mistake, admit a mistake about something relatively trivial or sufficiently vague so as to divert attention away from more substantive issues. The public finds red herring delicious.
5) Take the high road and accept responsibility. Do so, however, only in terms of having laid down a moral law that happened to be broken. For instance, one may say that one is responsible for encouraging a climate of "generosity and trust" that was, in the end, too readily (and unsuspectingly) abused. You are shocked that people could behave in such a way (avoid all reference to the corporate philosophy of self-interested agents and "greed-is-good").
6) Other tools you may use should the occasion arise: attacking "bureaucracy"; decrying the greed of your inferiors; decrying the incompetence of inferiors; letter from your doctor; the feeble-mindedness defense (popular with the Mafia); ostentatiously giving to charity; holding a barbecue for the city; start carrying a cane; etc.
7) Ask for clemency from your good friend, the president.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Imagine the following scenario. You are a wealthy, retired professional. You have a wife (or husband) and two grown children. You spend most of your time going to the country club or other social events. You are proud of what you’ve accomplished: your children are successful, the work you did is still well known in your industry, and you have definitely made your mark.

One day, your spouse approaches you and says, “Honey, our tax bill looks like it’s going to be pretty big this year, but I’ve worked with an accountant and we’ve figured out some ways to reduce it.” Knowing that your spouse typically handles your finances, and that you trust them implicitly, you say, “Of course, dear.”

Two years later, you’re under investigation by the IRS. You learn your spouse was having an affair with your accountant, and was stealing money from you. The tax treatments were, in fact, illegal, and you end up divorced and in jail with your children ashamed of you, and all the work you did being considered a fraud.

This could be the boat Ken Lay finds himself in now. So don’t necessarily assume it couldn’t happen to you. Do I know if Lay did anything crooked? Not for sure. But I don’t think he was as involved in the “day-to-day” operations of Enron’s finances. Leaders are supposed to delegate.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's just me, but this sounds like the first draft of Bush's impeachment defense.

The buck has to stop somewhere.

MT said...

Or you wake up one day to find you've bombed Cambodia. Could happen to anybody.

helmut said...

Anon and Roxtar - the buck never seems to stop here when you're indicted or screw up.

MT - as long as you bomb folksily, it's a-ok. And you can take your horse to the bank and smoke it.